Beta??

Would anyone be willing to do a quick, brutal beta for a 1300-word original fic? It's very different from my normal writing style and I have no idea if it works at all, but I was told to find a piece of creative writing from last year's English class and this is the only one we wrote, so. I'm sort of stuck here and freaking out because I never share original work because I think it's always crap. Please point out my inconsistencies and gaping plot holes? ♥