marenzi | Suprise Yourself

I've disappeared for the past few weeks, and I really feel rather guilty about it. But I want to start this post by saying that each time I skimmed my flist (I am just hopelessly behind at this point, apologies) I saw so much love and so many good things. I love you all so, so much. Especially you. You brighten my life.

I'm rounding off my two weeks of vacation and returning to Rose on Sunday. I'm not really sure how to describe being home other than I very obviously don't fit anymore. My house is a bit of a disaster at this point; the night I got back, my parents told me they're finally getting a divorce. Unfortunately, this can't happen for a while because my mom's disabled & can't support herself, but at least they're finally recognizing that they can be happier apart. That's really all I've wanted for them.

I think what's hitting me the hardest is remembering how different life was here. I was the quiet girl without friends in high school who never went out at all. At Rose, I'm surrounded by fun parties and good people who care about me. It's hard to reconcile the past few months of going out every Friday and Saturday night with spending Christmas & New Year's Eve alone with the tension between my parents. We've already agreed that I won't be returning home until summer, but I'm toying with the idea of living somewhere else anyway if I can't find an internship. I didn't realize how depressed I was here until I left.

Aside from the messiness, my family does Christmas pretty quietly; I got a couple of DVDs, a cookbook, a coffee mug. The surprise was my own hunting gear, which was so appreciated; I've been borrowing from my uncles and younger cousins for the last few years, which of course never fit well. It's such an amazing difference to have good gear that fits. I ended up spending most of this past week hunting muzzleloader with my uncles because I wanted out of the house, and it was definitely good for me, very relaxing. I'm sure that's not how most people see it, but just consider sitting in a snowy forest with perfect stillness and perfect silence for hours. It's beautiful.

God, I can't wait to go home on Sunday. It's probably silly to miss being so busy all the time, but I like schedules and my organized room and the ridiculous nerdy people I surround myself with.

I hope every single one of you had a lovely holiday & a happy new year's celebration with the people you love. I hope twenty-ten brings you love and peace and happiness. I hope you know how much I appreciate every single one of you. ♥